23 December 2009

Winter Break

I am not going to apologize for how I felt in my last post, but I do apologize for my vituperative language. I let a few things slip from my mind that came out vulgar.

Today is the start of winter break. I can finally have a peace of mind and enjoy sleep-in Saturdays. I intend to work on my novel and oil paint. You have no idea how much I've longed to pick up a brush and lose a piece of my soul on a blank canvas.

If there was a Walden to call my own, I would say my sanctuary is found in my writing an painting. If I could, I would move to the south of France to paint all day and read all night. Maybe a snapshot of reality here and there. But I suppose that wouldn't do me any good. I'd be a perpetual bum. Oh, but if only..

19 December 2009


No, I won't do it. I'm not going to be some trophy wife that serves you beer on a platter and submits to your every whim. If you're looking for someone to service you, then turn the other way.

I am going to college and taking up what I want to do in life. I had enough of your crappy and chauvinistic comments. I HAD ENOUGH.

I am not going to compromise my own interests just to accommodate to your satisfaction.

17 December 2009

Post deleted.

16 December 2009

Different Shades of Me

A color remains related to another no matter what the instances of the shade is. A color that captures the essence of who I am would have to be blue. Though, I must say with fervent passion that blue is NOT my favorite colour. It merely captures who I am as a color.

Blue can arouse various emotions. The feeling of melancholy comes from the shade “periwinkle”. “Periwinkle” is a charming, dainty color that longs to be vivacious. That longs to be sported with a vibrant color to bring out its simple, elegant characteristics.

“Baby blue” captures innocence as a child. The same surely embodies the colour. When you look at “baby blue” you instantly think of a child or childhood. Sometimes even infancy. “Baby blue” is a colour that arouses memories of youth that have not been forgotten. Specifically cherished, even.

“Prussian blue” exudes feelings of solemnity and solitude at first glance. You particularly feel glum from its deep, cold colour. You think of the sad memories you keep hidden in the file cabinet at the back of your mind.

“Sapphire” is just an elegant colour. It unleashes the inner sophistication that we subconsciously long for in our lives.

“Royal blue” is rather ostentatious. It’s such a bold colour that practically grabs you. There’s a pretentiousness that comes from “royal blue”. People want to be noticed and seen for their cool temperament. But I would call that attention desperation.

“Azure” is a free-spirited colour. It brightens your mood and brings a sense of happiness to your well being. “Maya blue” is an inviting colour. It’s rather attractive in character and compliments other colors of the spectrum.

The vast spectrum of colours is never ending, but never refer to a blue as “blue”. Each blue has a purpose. Each blue has a shade. Each shade needs to be recognized for the emotions it evokes in a person.

11 December 2009

Why settle?

Why settle for something less than what you deserve? Yeah, I understand you're old enough to get married (since your friend have started to) but why are you in the panic mode of desperation? I never met him. I may be judgmental, but the truth is, from what I hear, this guy sounds like a basket case.

Why settle? Seeing you like this really makes me dislike you because you deserve more than this guy. You're intelligent, beautiful and kind. Why are you dating him of all people?

Not to mention this guy sounds like bad news. And you know what? I think maybe you're in it for some edge. To have wild, crazy sex with. Wow. And here I looked up to you.

But honestly, no matter how you try to paint the picture, the photograph still remains true. You are desperate and pathetic. I know longer respect you nor do I aspire to be like you. You're a let down, a fake and a phony. Don't EVER try to talk me out from dating someone with an edge or tell me NOT to have sex until I'm married.

I've already made that decision without your useless help.

03 December 2009

I like to be alone. I hate to be lonely.
Never did I feel lonely as much as I do this evening.

Today I woke up to a sad epiphany. I've been living under this spell that covered my eyes and made me see things with a childish outlook. Everything seemed so simple through my eyes. A simple call could make things better and bring you closer to someone you've cared about for most of your life. Well, I was stupid. How could I ever think such a thing?

When you're younger, everything seemed simple, but as the years draw forward, relationships grow more complex. People aren't satisfied with one phone call every month. Even if that phone call can last for hours and it seemed like everything between you and that person was fine. Okay. But who are we kidding?

Once we hang up, everything about life before that phone call is still the same and then next month you find yourself being tricked for another hour and wakened the next hanging minute.

She was my dear friend. I always referred to her as my best friend. The person I told my innermost secrets to. The person who could see my ugliest underneath all the deceiving glamour on the surface. I think I would give my kidney to her or even take a bullet for her. But today, I realized the feeling isn't mutual.

After a brief phone call with her, I hung up feeling a bit heartbroken and disappointed. I always assumed she knew me but the truth is I never really knew her. She never told me of her life. Never showed me her ugliness. Never cried to me on the phone. She never really opened up with me.

And here I was, stupid and dumb... opening up to her. Here I was thinking... we were really best friends.

I never want to make this same mistake ever again. If ever I befriend someone, I'm going to make sure that if I think they're my best friend, they should be putting the same amount of depth into our friendship as I am.

The problem with me is that I don't hold back. I pull my all into my relationships with people, and then people just can't reciprocate that effort. I was happily content with unconditionally being kind and open-minded but now I feel miserable...

Because deep down no one is going to give me the same effort I give.

18 November 2009

I love them.
I hate them.

I can't make up my mind, but then again you can never settle how you feel about your family members on one sentiment. It varies consistently from hatred to unconditional love.

Teen Angst

My mind is all disoriented by the occurrences my life has underwent. It seems like these days are bringing out the worst of my character. I am much more temperamental and hateful words seem to flow freely from my mouth.

Words are such a powerful thing. They are destructive and will damage a person forever. Powerful blows initiated by fists aren't as painful as the impact words can have on a person. I've learned that and simple words like "sorry" are not always the remedy for the hurt caused by a swarm of profanities. No, not the profanities that convey obscenity, but hurtful things, for sure.

Call it teenage angst or whatever but honestly, I feel like there isn't a reason for all this angst. There is no source. Perhaps maybe some insecurities on the side and the search for a stable identity, but other than that I really have no reason to act like a mad woman.

There can only be one explanation. The damned hormones. Damn hormones all the way to hell. It sucks when you're under a potent, chemical spell beyond your physical control.

I am powerless and weak.