03 December 2009

I like to be alone. I hate to be lonely.
Never did I feel lonely as much as I do this evening.

Today I woke up to a sad epiphany. I've been living under this spell that covered my eyes and made me see things with a childish outlook. Everything seemed so simple through my eyes. A simple call could make things better and bring you closer to someone you've cared about for most of your life. Well, I was stupid. How could I ever think such a thing?

When you're younger, everything seemed simple, but as the years draw forward, relationships grow more complex. People aren't satisfied with one phone call every month. Even if that phone call can last for hours and it seemed like everything between you and that person was fine. Okay. But who are we kidding?

Once we hang up, everything about life before that phone call is still the same and then next month you find yourself being tricked for another hour and wakened the next hanging minute.

She was my dear friend. I always referred to her as my best friend. The person I told my innermost secrets to. The person who could see my ugliest underneath all the deceiving glamour on the surface. I think I would give my kidney to her or even take a bullet for her. But today, I realized the feeling isn't mutual.

After a brief phone call with her, I hung up feeling a bit heartbroken and disappointed. I always assumed she knew me but the truth is I never really knew her. She never told me of her life. Never showed me her ugliness. Never cried to me on the phone. She never really opened up with me.

And here I was, stupid and dumb... opening up to her. Here I was thinking... we were really best friends.

I never want to make this same mistake ever again. If ever I befriend someone, I'm going to make sure that if I think they're my best friend, they should be putting the same amount of depth into our friendship as I am.

The problem with me is that I don't hold back. I pull my all into my relationships with people, and then people just can't reciprocate that effort. I was happily content with unconditionally being kind and open-minded but now I feel miserable...

Because deep down no one is going to give me the same effort I give.

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