17 July 2010

I could rile myself up a storm and drown in a thousand what-could-have-been’s, replaying the same memories over and over. But the truth of the matter is, I can’t bring myself up to do it. I can’t hate the people who hate me. At the end of the day, I come home to this empty house knowing who I am, who loves me and who I love. And that, is a good enough reason to put my feelings at risk— to keep living the way I do.
Could you wake up another person and pretend that part of you never lived? I don’t think I could. I wouldn’t dream of looking in the mirror, if I were you. All you would see in that reflection is the ghost of the person you once were. The person you slaughtered with your murderous thoughts.
What breaks my heart more than anything else in the world is seeing the people who I love dearly, hurting inside and trying to keep it hidden. I can recognize the look resonating from their eyes and it shoots a pang deep into my heart. Nothing is worse than watching a heart shatter and not being able to do a single thing about it. Even if I’m desperately trying to catch the broken pieces and cutting my hands in the process.

09 July 2010

I feel like my heart has been ripped from its hinges and now hangs loosely, swaying recklessly to and fro. I mustered all the courage I had. Really, I did. I acted out on a spontaneous whim, leaving the most silliest of sentences on your wall. You don't understand how much I riled myself up in thinking of things to say to you. I spent weeks lying in bed, my thoughts keeping me from sleeping and trying to string up a sentence that would throw things into action. And I did it. I left a comment on your wall and for a day you went without facebook. I figured that maybe you were just busy. The next day, you were commenting other people, completely disregarding my comment. Do you know how much that comment is worth? Tedious specks of time that comprised these past few months I was wrapping my head around you. And how easily it was disregarded! I don't know whether or not to laugh or weep. To giggle or shake my head. It is now apparent to me that perhaps you have moved on.

And that perhaps, I should, too, but right now I wish my heart would stop leaking tears. It's hard to focus through dewy eyes.

02 July 2010

The signs and the pull of nature were bringing us together. No moment was a mere coincedence. Every opportunity was handed to us and it was left for us to seize. Discovering the fact that all these years you have lived down the street from me was a serendipitous collision of destinies. For seventeen years we’ve walked down the same cement tops, looking at the same trees and the sway of branches above our heads. I cannot evade the fact that the moments were there. Everything was happening naturally. Looking back on it all, I cannot blame time and nature for the way things turned out for the both of us. It was you. You never seized the moment. Not because you did not love me, but because you were afraid to. Now, whenever I walk down the street we live on and pass your house, I wonder if you know that you’re just a block away from completing destiny.