Today is a monumental event in the history of my recently dull life. After two years of flying as a free spirit, I decided to start dating again. I'm apathetic about the whole matter, mainly because I said yes to this guy on a spontaneous whim after ceaseless replies of "No, I think I'm busy that day". I'm just so used to saying no all the time that saying yes is deathly frightening!
As frightened silly as I am, I think it will be good for me. I have become too cynical in the views of my own personal love life. It's not like don't think it exists. I believe in love. I just refuse to fall in love.
I know it sounds ridiculous.
I refuse to fall in love for many reasons. Part of me is afraid to give myself entirely up and the other part of me is afraid to give too much and get nothing in return. I hear about all these horror stories about lost loves and break-ups that it gives me heart palpitations just thinking about it!
It's inevitable. Not every relationship is going to work out. Nothing is set in stone and I'll always be teetering on edge. I will lose someone. Someone will lose me and that's the way it goes.
When it all comes down to this phobia, I need to get rid of it. I need to relinquish it so that I can open my heart up once again. I've placed a padlock on it for so long, that I'm afraid this is going to be something will stick with me for the rest of my life.
Which is why I am going on a date tonight, with a boy I like as a person. As for whether or not I like him romantically? That's questionable.
One thing I know for sure is, I refuse to lead this guy on. It's just not my thing. I am going to be upfront and straightforward with my intentions.
Right now, I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I'm looking for someone who will reopen the blockade to my cobwebbed heart.